The English language is becoming an arthritic disease.

So wassup wit eng 2day? lol. Totes dif 2 b4 rite? n omg hav u sn tht nu app- wats wit dat? Txt tlk is wak yo!
I'm sure there is more, I know there is more but I'm happy thats all the lazy txt-lish I know. Seems with each new conversation that starts, communication as we know it dies a little. I get it, slang is a communication form that encourages familiarity and strength in relationships. I just don't get why it has to be so coded. Isn't the english language loaded enough? Slang is hard enough to understand sometimes let alone creating modern age hilogriphics. Not even Jack Kerouac made reading slang this difficult.
Rant over.

Generation 'O'

School holidays meant a few things growing up. No school (rad!), Sleep ins (sick one!) and Day time TV (booyah!). Back then you had the greats, Donahue, Ricki Lake and Sally Jessie Raphael to name a few. None of this over acted, dramatised entertain-talk junk like Dr. Phil and the notorious Jerry Springer. We had gripping television that didn't base episodes on determining whether 'Jimmy Jones ' was the father or not because no one then, and no one now gives a shit. They tackled the big issues and helped kids on school holidays wake up in the afternoon. Ricki had some funky dance moves and believed in inspiring the youth of the day, Donahue had some sweet glasses that hipsters of today envy and believed in the power of the audience and Sally believed in being the most annoying host on TV.

But we all know there was one woman who took day time television and talk shows to a new level. Her name was Oprah Winfrey and she had an empire that believed in YOU. Oprah started to shift the mood and value of day time television to programming that would usually have to be purchased in a box set of videos for 3 easy payments of $19.99. Through the power of celebrity and story telling we started to learn about Oprah, we started to learn about others and most importantly we started to learn about ourselves. She empowered us to celebrate who we were and who we could be. We bought in to the power of oneself and learnt to 'love our selves before we could love others'. This themed programming went on for years reaching across multiple generations and created a new sense of community. We kept watching and kept believing because we felt good and 'me time' was finally socially acceptable. Then, holidays were over. We went back to school, moved on with our lives, and she eventually stopped being on our TV's.

We may have stopped watching but we never stopped believing. We took what TV preached and ran away with it. From baby boomers to generations X and Y we caught the fad of putting oneself first and united to become Generation 'O'. Across the globe selfishness infectiously became the new cool and we rejoiced in doing whatever made us happy. Oprah sneezed, we caught a fad and then we spread a disease. We now see a disillusioned generation who willingly bought in to self preservation with never allowing themselves the opportunity of knowing how to value it. Happiness was placed on top of the pedestal with passion for what we saw in the mirror being the only direction to achieve first place.

I'm not saying self respect isn't important but our society is infected with a flawed sense of community that will ultimately destroy us. 'Me first' culture is crippling our knowledge of our neighbours and closing the door to societal progression. To understand passion we need to understand compassion and to do this we need to address how we got here and what's encouraging these values to infect others. Only doing what makes you happy will not make you happy. We need to experience disenchantment in all aspects of life to understand humility and humanity. The medicine is easily administered and readily available. Do what fulfils you, say 'hi' to your neighbour, don't look in the mirror so much and realise the value of second place. This may not make you happy right now nor will it be all healthy days along the way but it will ultimately lead to a greater you and potentially a greater society... free of Generation O.  

Chimneys aren't that important.

It's valentines day soon. Don't worry this isn't a sob story or a love conquers all story. It's just a story about a house and a young kid (me) who was lucky enough to discover the beauty of rebuilding at a young age.

It's started when I was 5. She meant everything and I never got over her.

We sat side by side on the floor, we sat next to each other at the table and we sat by each other in the playground. We drew, ran, laughed and complimented each other on our pure blonde hair. It was going really well, we didn't expect too much of each other and understood that we both needed our space. Like now, I was a drifter that never really stood still for too long and she was pretty popular with a subsequent busy play date schedule. So it worked. We both liked the colour blue which was a big plus for me- could have been a deal breaker. Sure, the relationship had its ups and downs. There was a period there where she had lost one of her front teeth and I wasn't physically attracted to her anymore but we worked through it.

The biggest dark patch was in the colour blue. It was a drawing project and whilst drawing my architecturally perfect house I had an important lesson in how girls were different to boys. One line at a time the house came together. My walls, door, windows, roof and chimney were all in place. I was pretty happy with the way things were looking, I'd spent a long time ensuring all the structural elements were correct and was feeling like this house was an extension of myself. As I sat staring off into space visualising how I would represent the brick work her arm creeped into my line of vision and before I knew it my masterpiece was ruined. How could she? I mean, this was the house we were going to turn 6 in and she tore it down. Three small lines reshaped the way I viewed the house, her and myself. Where my chimney once stood (parallel lines running in line with the edge of the house) was a block that no engineer would ever sign off on. It was not structurally sound which meant our relationship wasn't either. Deal breaker.

A short time later her parents had moved the family away and I never saw her again. I can't remember if we made up or not, its still too hard to think about. Its been about 25 years of wondering what could have been and if she ever learnt how to schematically interpret a chimney correctly.

It took a long time coming to grips with the loss of my house. The first cut certainly was the deepest. Accepting that loss was the foundation to rebuilding. Constructing oneself one brick at a time came with many decisions that took courage to make and consistently called to visualise the end product. It started with the walls, accepting that things had changed gave the framework to start building around. Then came the windows, it would have been easy to not let anyone see inside but its important to have some vitamin D and allow others the opportunity to see who I was. The roof provided protection and how I shaped it dictated how guarded I would be. I tried leaving the door open, I know its a little dangerous but at least I got to meet some strangers. And the chimney? I just left it unstable, its important to have a bit of character.

The brief history of ASS

Yeah sure, I've been called one. Have you? If you think you haven't, it probably means you are one. What makes a good ass hole? What makes a bad ass hole? Tone affliction for one will tell you if you're being complimented or called out. It's said that opinions are like ass holes- everybody has one. I can't help but feel that ass holes are like opinions- full of hot air.
There's many types of ass holes, they cut you off in traffic, they talk on their cell phone at the shopping counter and they call the home phone while your favourite 'Cheers' re-run is on (that Woody guy- what a character!). They can come from anywhere like a rogue hair on your arm or a dog poop in the middle of a football oval and they will most certainly put your knickers in a knot. But, why? Why do they sneak up on us at the most inconvenient of times and how can we learn to recognise the good from the bad?
Let's have a look at the good ass holes first. They're the ones that win two meat tray's in the same raffle,   they accidentally put $100 on the greyhounds instead of the gallops for it to pay $12.10 and they once got a free round from that bar tender that never gives a free shout to anyone... anyone. Good ass holes are loveable because they didn't mean it and fingers crossed it could be you one day. Walking back to the table with your tray of snags and scotch fillets you will no doubt here a laugh followed by the words "look at this ass hole". That's good right?! Of course it's good. Any time a laugh, giggle or shake of the head with a smile precedes those words you are automatically an ass hole of the good order. Let's face it- you would be more than happy to be called an ass hole for a good win on the dish lickers- you could buy that 'Cheers' box set you've had your eye on for a while now.
Now to the real ass holes. The ones we love to hate. The ones that can take your blood to a boil in a blink of an eye. I've just about had enough of these ass holes. They talked during the movie so we missed the start and they came and stood right in front of us at the gig last week. Unlike the good ass holes, bad ones are often not told. Wait a minute, that doesn't even make sense! Norm would fall off his bar stool if he knew these ass holes were getting away with it! How are they still allowed to get away with it? At what point in time did we become so polite to not tell someone they are being an ass hole but we deemed it socially acceptable to park in handicapped spaces?
Let's make a pact, we need a united front if this epidemic is to be tended to. Going forward from today we need to make examples of those who cut in line and take the last pie at the bakery or don't say 'thanks mate' for keeping the door open when exiting. Let's devise a plan or a signal to make others aware of an ass holes presence. "Excuse me everybody, we've got an ass hole here" may be too obvious but if we can't think of anything soon it will have to do. Let's all put our thinking caps on while watching 'Cheers' this week and come up with a plan, we'll call ourselves the 'Ass hole Strategy Society' (ASS). Meeting adjourned.

The shallow end is deeper than it looks.

"Go on, go!" Jimmy urged as I gradually crept toward the edge of the pool. It was cold that day too, I've got no idea why we were going for a swim. Jimmy had convinced me to jump into his next door neighbours back yard to go for a splash when they weren't home. Once ready we played scissors, paper, rock to see who went first. Just like Bart Simpson I found out that paper does indeed have it over rock! (damn you paper!) Since it was cold I went toward the shallow end so I could ease my limbs down into the algae water providing a chance to withdraw if needed. As I went to dip my big toe in Jimmy shouted "Wait! That's the deep end, you'll sink".
"Bullshit! its the shallow end dick head- look!" I replied. It looked shallow- you could see the bottom. Jimmy explained that "it's one of those new special pools that makes it look as though its shallow, and the shallow end look deep". He had a very good point- the pool was new.
Like an idiot I listened to him. Like an idiot I believed him. Like an idiot I went against my perception of depth and jumped in..... the deep end! Idiot.
So I stuffed up, I was a gullible idiot and I learnt another valuable lesson about keeping up with Jimmy Jones. But looking back and realising that my perception of depth was correct and with enough pressure and reasoning I was swayed was frustrating. First doubting myself followed by going against my better judgement, where else in life could the same mistake have been made?
Right here: Have you ever purchased anything off the television? C'mon.... we are all friends here. Sure, the 'Snuggy' looked like a piece of shit idea when you first saw it and naturally perceived bullshit. But, over time it gradually tore you down until you had everyones christmas present sorted in one phone call and 2 easy payments.
Perception isn't just a tool that's used by your eyes alone. It's one that all traditional senses utilise and as a result makes it vulnerable to being mislead. With your conscious and traditional senses so reliant on your sense of perception for almost all decisions there is a lot to break down when considering your options.
Nature or Nurture, it only takes a few times of being mislead to correct your mistakes. Or, is it that we don't want to believe our gut for the hope of something better? It doesn't matter if you are a communist or capitalist we are all consumerists. It's just in our nature now as a result of nurture, and one common perception that is often manipulated is that of others financial or personal wealth. We are constantly jumping over the fence to see the neighbours new pool and begin to believe they are 'better off' than ones self.
It's up to you to decide what you believe and not be misled by the word of others if you perceive otherwise. It's taken a lot of stuff ups and mistakes to get to who you are and you should be proud of the disappointed looks on your families faces when they opened their snuggy's last christmas. Seek gratification for your initial perceptions as they represent who you are and if your/ they're wrong so be it- learn from it. Trust your judgement and ensure it was you who made the decision to jump in the deep in end.

Candy caused the global financial crisis.

How good are 6th birthday parties? Meh! How good are 6th birthday parties when you're 6?! abazmyin.... amazbyn.... Amazing! Heck yeah they are. Games, dancing shoes, party boots, cake and candy. All the candy in the world. We were too young to figure out just what the chemical properties of candy is that makes it so good, in fact we were to young to know what chemical properties were but, we just knew that artificially flavoured clumps of sugar got us high. Not even spinning around in circles compared to the rush of a good 'push pop'. We liked it, we wanted it and when that wasn't enough- we wanted more of it.
I can't remember whose birthday it was but this was by far the 'party of the year'. Jimmy Jones and I were sitting next to each other for Pass the parcel and it seemed to go forever with hidden surprises almost every few layers- pretty awesome. Sitting crossed legged on the floor a table towered over us. This was no ordinary table, sure it had four legs and a top but it's what it held that made it extraordinary. Resting on top was bowl after bowl of sweet sweet candy. Snakes, freckles, frogs, raspberry's, pineapple's and mini twix bar's illuminated the room. Since the game was going so long and all the prizes were going to the girls (typical) Jimmy got up and fetched himself a good portion of candy. Naturally I followed suit but got a little more as I didn't want to miss out. We ate, we laughed, we tried to talk with our fake candy teeth. We finished and Jimmy went back for more and this time he cleaned up, two palms full of sugary goodness that seemed too big to carry. Again worried that I'd miss out I hurried thinking "I'll show him" and ensured I got my fair share. Sausage rolls had to wait that day because unless pastry was made of pure sugar- it wasn't passing my fake candy teeth. I wanted that candy but I didn't need it. Jimmy certainly didn't need the amount he had either. I knew I didn't need it, I didn't even want it but greed driven by jealousy took over and Jimmy and I ate candy until we threw up. I should have told him to stop going back for more.
Greed is the prodigal son of Materialism and was 'that kid' who could do no wrong in their parent's eyes. For generations Greed has looked like a golden child in Mr. Capitalism's classroom but when the bell rang he walked straight up to Common Sense in the playground and kicks him in the shins while the rest of us stood there, did nothing and were surprised that he got away with it. Take the occupy wall streeters for example, take any protesters, anywhere on economic change. Congratulations for growing a set and speaking up but your placards are no use outside Mr. Capitalism's office. But, little did we know or care to recognise that Mr. Capitalism is in fact Greed's uncle and pretty slogan's on pretty placards won't divide family.
The placard's are in the wrong place. They need to be taken to where the problem began- our own place. They should be in our front yards. Facing inward. They should be in our neighbours yard. Facing inward. It's only us that can transform inherent destructive nature of greed and we have a social responsibility to change it. There's no point to lining your back fence with used placards so the dog won't get out if your just going to keep letting the side gate open. Real change comes from shifts in societal behaviour caused by human movement. The movement for change starts at home, starts next door, starts in the classroom and starts at the birthday party. It's clear that greed can not be fixed nor changed by further greed and time we stopped eating all the candy like innocent children collecting pockets full of sugar that in the long run will just make you sick in the tummy.
Birthday party, classroom, back fence. 1, 2, 3 metaphors- Abazmyin!

STYP Top Ten Steps to Cure a Bad Work Day

So you had a bad day at work? Well "boo-fucken-hoo". You're a big kid now and you have to deal with your big kid problems like.... a big kid.  Here are some sure fire ways to help you keep it together at the office tomorrow.
1. Put on your favourite underwear in the morning- Nothing says smile like your favourite 'tighty whities'! Everyone has a pair, sometimes it's the ones you least expected when buying them. You can't dispute that a comfy pair of boxers, briefs or bloomers around the junk is the best thing that ever happened. In emergency situation's put the underwear in the dryer for 5 minutes beforehand- now we're laughing.

2. Use dated positive slang words in relation to everything- Because they're fucken Radical! The drive to work wasn't fun but you've got to pull your shit together now because you can't put off that meeting with Greg in accounting any longer. Bring back slang from your youth or use it from other generations. "Swell", "Tops", "Ball Tearer", "Radical", "Awesome", "Epic" or "Kick Ass" can all be used to put a smile on your dial. Positive words have positive effects so use them often and you'll feel "Gnarlier" by the second!

3. Finish every sentence with a high note. Combining positive words with a bird like chirp is an attack the Cobra Kai never saw coming. No better way to stop being a sooky bum than having fun with the whining coming out of your mouth. Increase the pitch a little at the end of each sentence and you'll be filled with a youthful enthusiasm for life again.

4. Send a sexually suggestive email from your colleagues computer to another colleague. Better hurry Greg from accounting is in the kitchen making his morning coffee and you don't have much time. Everyone in the office has seen the way he flirts with Brenda in payroll, it's about time they take the next step and luckily the internet is 90% porn so your shouldn't have too much trouble finding content.

5. High 5 yourself after going to the toilet- You're a big kid! Your morning coffee has kicked in and it's time. So what? just because you're an adult doesn't mean you can't celebrate 20 years since you passed potty training. Hold that left arm up high and keep slapping your right palm on it so hard that crispy crispness of a clap echoes down the hallway loud enough to let everyone know you got the job done with no hiccups.

6. Only whine once an hour- It's almost lunch and you're starting to piss everyone off. Pick a mark on the clock and try to schedule your next complaint for around that time each hour. If you feel you might crack, think of how good your underwear felt when you pulled it out of the dryer this morning. Just pace yourself on the whining dude.

7. Stand in front of the mirror in the crane position- Karate Kid was awesome. If you feel as though you're about to tell Greg in accounting to shove his TPS report where the sun don't shine, Take 5 princess. Find a mirror or window and raise those arms up high while standing on one leg and go away to another place. Mr Miyagi was the man and he knows what's best for you.

8. Rejoice in other's misery- Nothing more up lifting than watching someone else in pain. If you're still being a jerk it's probably best to have lunch on your own. Try sitting in view of a stair case so you can watch other's trip on their way up. It's a waiting game but they will come. If you wait for them, they will come.

9. Pick your nose- It's the 3pm slump and you need a pick me up (pun intended). It's always nice after a good pick, the air feels cool as it rushes up your nasal cavity and it's like you're at the snow on holidays. It also comes with the physical benefit of allowing more oxygen to your brain so it really could help your crappy mood with an oxygen high. Forget the index finger- try the pinky! Sure, it'll take little longer but maybe you'll learn something about yourself.

10. Shut the fuck up and get on with it- everyone has a bad day and no one gives a shit!... Especially Greg in accounting and Brenda from payroll thinks you're an asshole all the time.