The shallow end is deeper than it looks.

"Go on, go!" Jimmy urged as I gradually crept toward the edge of the pool. It was cold that day too, I've got no idea why we were going for a swim. Jimmy had convinced me to jump into his next door neighbours back yard to go for a splash when they weren't home. Once ready we played scissors, paper, rock to see who went first. Just like Bart Simpson I found out that paper does indeed have it over rock! (damn you paper!) Since it was cold I went toward the shallow end so I could ease my limbs down into the algae water providing a chance to withdraw if needed. As I went to dip my big toe in Jimmy shouted "Wait! That's the deep end, you'll sink".
"Bullshit! its the shallow end dick head- look!" I replied. It looked shallow- you could see the bottom. Jimmy explained that "it's one of those new special pools that makes it look as though its shallow, and the shallow end look deep". He had a very good point- the pool was new.
Like an idiot I listened to him. Like an idiot I believed him. Like an idiot I went against my perception of depth and jumped in..... the deep end! Idiot.
So I stuffed up, I was a gullible idiot and I learnt another valuable lesson about keeping up with Jimmy Jones. But looking back and realising that my perception of depth was correct and with enough pressure and reasoning I was swayed was frustrating. First doubting myself followed by going against my better judgement, where else in life could the same mistake have been made?
Right here: Have you ever purchased anything off the television? C'mon.... we are all friends here. Sure, the 'Snuggy' looked like a piece of shit idea when you first saw it and naturally perceived bullshit. But, over time it gradually tore you down until you had everyones christmas present sorted in one phone call and 2 easy payments.
Perception isn't just a tool that's used by your eyes alone. It's one that all traditional senses utilise and as a result makes it vulnerable to being mislead. With your conscious and traditional senses so reliant on your sense of perception for almost all decisions there is a lot to break down when considering your options.
Nature or Nurture, it only takes a few times of being mislead to correct your mistakes. Or, is it that we don't want to believe our gut for the hope of something better? It doesn't matter if you are a communist or capitalist we are all consumerists. It's just in our nature now as a result of nurture, and one common perception that is often manipulated is that of others financial or personal wealth. We are constantly jumping over the fence to see the neighbours new pool and begin to believe they are 'better off' than ones self.
It's up to you to decide what you believe and not be misled by the word of others if you perceive otherwise. It's taken a lot of stuff ups and mistakes to get to who you are and you should be proud of the disappointed looks on your families faces when they opened their snuggy's last christmas. Seek gratification for your initial perceptions as they represent who you are and if your/ they're wrong so be it- learn from it. Trust your judgement and ensure it was you who made the decision to jump in the deep in end.

Candy caused the global financial crisis.

How good are 6th birthday parties? Meh! How good are 6th birthday parties when you're 6?! abazmyin.... amazbyn.... Amazing! Heck yeah they are. Games, dancing shoes, party boots, cake and candy. All the candy in the world. We were too young to figure out just what the chemical properties of candy is that makes it so good, in fact we were to young to know what chemical properties were but, we just knew that artificially flavoured clumps of sugar got us high. Not even spinning around in circles compared to the rush of a good 'push pop'. We liked it, we wanted it and when that wasn't enough- we wanted more of it.
I can't remember whose birthday it was but this was by far the 'party of the year'. Jimmy Jones and I were sitting next to each other for Pass the parcel and it seemed to go forever with hidden surprises almost every few layers- pretty awesome. Sitting crossed legged on the floor a table towered over us. This was no ordinary table, sure it had four legs and a top but it's what it held that made it extraordinary. Resting on top was bowl after bowl of sweet sweet candy. Snakes, freckles, frogs, raspberry's, pineapple's and mini twix bar's illuminated the room. Since the game was going so long and all the prizes were going to the girls (typical) Jimmy got up and fetched himself a good portion of candy. Naturally I followed suit but got a little more as I didn't want to miss out. We ate, we laughed, we tried to talk with our fake candy teeth. We finished and Jimmy went back for more and this time he cleaned up, two palms full of sugary goodness that seemed too big to carry. Again worried that I'd miss out I hurried thinking "I'll show him" and ensured I got my fair share. Sausage rolls had to wait that day because unless pastry was made of pure sugar- it wasn't passing my fake candy teeth. I wanted that candy but I didn't need it. Jimmy certainly didn't need the amount he had either. I knew I didn't need it, I didn't even want it but greed driven by jealousy took over and Jimmy and I ate candy until we threw up. I should have told him to stop going back for more.
Greed is the prodigal son of Materialism and was 'that kid' who could do no wrong in their parent's eyes. For generations Greed has looked like a golden child in Mr. Capitalism's classroom but when the bell rang he walked straight up to Common Sense in the playground and kicks him in the shins while the rest of us stood there, did nothing and were surprised that he got away with it. Take the occupy wall streeters for example, take any protesters, anywhere on economic change. Congratulations for growing a set and speaking up but your placards are no use outside Mr. Capitalism's office. But, little did we know or care to recognise that Mr. Capitalism is in fact Greed's uncle and pretty slogan's on pretty placards won't divide family.
The placard's are in the wrong place. They need to be taken to where the problem began- our own place. They should be in our front yards. Facing inward. They should be in our neighbours yard. Facing inward. It's only us that can transform inherent destructive nature of greed and we have a social responsibility to change it. There's no point to lining your back fence with used placards so the dog won't get out if your just going to keep letting the side gate open. Real change comes from shifts in societal behaviour caused by human movement. The movement for change starts at home, starts next door, starts in the classroom and starts at the birthday party. It's clear that greed can not be fixed nor changed by further greed and time we stopped eating all the candy like innocent children collecting pockets full of sugar that in the long run will just make you sick in the tummy.
Birthday party, classroom, back fence. 1, 2, 3 metaphors- Abazmyin!

STYP Top Ten Steps to Cure a Bad Work Day

So you had a bad day at work? Well "boo-fucken-hoo". You're a big kid now and you have to deal with your big kid problems like.... a big kid.  Here are some sure fire ways to help you keep it together at the office tomorrow.
1. Put on your favourite underwear in the morning- Nothing says smile like your favourite 'tighty whities'! Everyone has a pair, sometimes it's the ones you least expected when buying them. You can't dispute that a comfy pair of boxers, briefs or bloomers around the junk is the best thing that ever happened. In emergency situation's put the underwear in the dryer for 5 minutes beforehand- now we're laughing.

2. Use dated positive slang words in relation to everything- Because they're fucken Radical! The drive to work wasn't fun but you've got to pull your shit together now because you can't put off that meeting with Greg in accounting any longer. Bring back slang from your youth or use it from other generations. "Swell", "Tops", "Ball Tearer", "Radical", "Awesome", "Epic" or "Kick Ass" can all be used to put a smile on your dial. Positive words have positive effects so use them often and you'll feel "Gnarlier" by the second!

3. Finish every sentence with a high note. Combining positive words with a bird like chirp is an attack the Cobra Kai never saw coming. No better way to stop being a sooky bum than having fun with the whining coming out of your mouth. Increase the pitch a little at the end of each sentence and you'll be filled with a youthful enthusiasm for life again.

4. Send a sexually suggestive email from your colleagues computer to another colleague. Better hurry Greg from accounting is in the kitchen making his morning coffee and you don't have much time. Everyone in the office has seen the way he flirts with Brenda in payroll, it's about time they take the next step and luckily the internet is 90% porn so your shouldn't have too much trouble finding content.

5. High 5 yourself after going to the toilet- You're a big kid! Your morning coffee has kicked in and it's time. So what? just because you're an adult doesn't mean you can't celebrate 20 years since you passed potty training. Hold that left arm up high and keep slapping your right palm on it so hard that crispy crispness of a clap echoes down the hallway loud enough to let everyone know you got the job done with no hiccups.

6. Only whine once an hour- It's almost lunch and you're starting to piss everyone off. Pick a mark on the clock and try to schedule your next complaint for around that time each hour. If you feel you might crack, think of how good your underwear felt when you pulled it out of the dryer this morning. Just pace yourself on the whining dude.

7. Stand in front of the mirror in the crane position- Karate Kid was awesome. If you feel as though you're about to tell Greg in accounting to shove his TPS report where the sun don't shine, Take 5 princess. Find a mirror or window and raise those arms up high while standing on one leg and go away to another place. Mr Miyagi was the man and he knows what's best for you.

8. Rejoice in other's misery- Nothing more up lifting than watching someone else in pain. If you're still being a jerk it's probably best to have lunch on your own. Try sitting in view of a stair case so you can watch other's trip on their way up. It's a waiting game but they will come. If you wait for them, they will come.

9. Pick your nose- It's the 3pm slump and you need a pick me up (pun intended). It's always nice after a good pick, the air feels cool as it rushes up your nasal cavity and it's like you're at the snow on holidays. It also comes with the physical benefit of allowing more oxygen to your brain so it really could help your crappy mood with an oxygen high. Forget the index finger- try the pinky! Sure, it'll take little longer but maybe you'll learn something about yourself.

10. Shut the fuck up and get on with it- everyone has a bad day and no one gives a shit!... Especially Greg in accounting and Brenda from payroll thinks you're an asshole all the time.

Natural selection is a colouring competition.

That Usain Bolt guy is pretty quick, he could probably out run a cheetah. That Donald Trump guy is pretty clever, he probably won a few spelling bee's in his day. That Natalie Portman lady is pretty talented, she's probably broken a few hearts in her time. The perception of first place comes in many forms and relative to the discipline in which it's born. When I was 4 years old 'Cartoon Connection' ran a mothers day competition where you had to draw a picture of your mum and send it in. Working hard at the kitchen counter one could have been mistaken to think it was a dual eared Van Gogh at work. Mothers Day came and the pieces were judged on air, there was some stiff competition but I emerged victorious! Next thing we knew Mum was sitting comfortably in a bath robe and massaging feet warmer.... you're welcome.
These days it takes a little more than luck and hard work to reach the top of your industry. Natural talent will only get you so far and then it's up to you to go the rest of the way. With 6 billion people in the world all fighting for their place on the podium, boardroom table or stage what exactly is it that takes you the rest of the way? 'Drive', 'Will', 'Guts'? All of them, probably. All underlined by the natural instinct of survival that has kept man progressing since the beginning of time. It's inherent to want to be at the top of your game whilst feeling the satisfaction and reward of your hard labour but as society progresses and survival has become simpler due to modern farming practices and medicine the goal posts have moved. There's a new instinct that is enveloping and consuming our foundation of virtue forging a new era in societal movement. The spirit of competition is now a supporting member of morality along side respect and dignity. As the global population keeps growing and successful survival rates of new born's and the ill continue's to rise it is inevitable that a new form natural selection would prosper. Hence forth with our bodies to be kept in tact the only course for natural selection to take is societal famine. With physically aggressive primal urges now regulated by law and order the competitive spirit has become the new battle weapon. Although the body takes millennia to evolve our bodies have responded to man made cultural living patterns by the human brain evolving beyond the rate of its carrier.
Clothing, music and language goes in and out of fashion all the time. In my day it was all about wanting to be a policemen or fireman, nowadays the kids are all about growing up to be an interior decorator or marine biologist. This new wave of competition could just be a passing fad. I'm often offended by the arrogance that can come with power. With the western world financially prospering over the last century came accessibility to education. As standards of living for all classes started to increase education and financial prosperity spread with the subsequent authority complex that often accompanies knowledge and wealth. Now we have generation's of kids never being told by the their parents: "No! you can not have a new pair of Nike's, you just got a pair". Only to hear back: "But, Jimmy Jones has got a pair and I need them to beat him at Basketball" It's been a while since the depression and maybe it will take another financial collapse for the world to see what competition has created.
With the rise of competition and subsequent competitive spirits now celebrated more than ever vulnerable minds can be easily influenced and exploited resulting in corrosive implications on society rather than positive growth. I often wonder what if I didn't dominate the drawing competition- how bold would I be today? So just like celebrated television host Jerry Springer and his final thought here is mine: Is the rise of the competitive spirit an evolutionary discourse or contemporary natural selection?

Step one, Step three.

Every weekday morning at 7:20am whilst rushing to work and ascending the stairs from the subway the same thought goes through my mind: "Why are my legs so bloody short?" They're too short, or too long. I'm not exactly sure but all I know is that they can make climbing stairs annoying at times. I once read that Lance Armstrong's legs had the perfect combination of bone length and muscle structure for cycling and I concluded that I had the worst combination for climbing stairs. Each step always seems to be just that little bit too big or too small for one comfortable stride. Is there an international standard for step height? Who invented it? What was their bone and muscle structure? Whoever you are (if there is such a person), you better buy some shin guards champ because I've got a pair of steel cap boots with your name on them!
Growing up I lived on a hill and our house was built on the side of said hill. Inside, the floor plan climbed up with the shape of the hill so we had a lot of stairs. So many stairs meant that you didn't want to forget anything and you were constantly loading yourself up with whatever you had to carry to ensure you didn't have to make a few trips. It was time consuming and laborious to keep stomping up and down and I had heaps better things to be doing like watching Wide World of Sports. We only had the one bathroom and it was up the top so if you were right downstairs and needed to go.... you really thought about it. They were certainly character building stairs. Once old enough and big enough I figured out it was much quicker and easier on the stride if I just skipped a step on the way up. Sure it was a little more physical effort for one stride but I feel the overall calories burnt and time spent on stairs ended up being considerably reduced. Bang! Problem solved. "See you later stairs, I've got other shit to be doing rather than hang around you all day" So from an early age I was skipping steps left right and centre. When stair climbing race stories used to come on Wide World of Sports I was enthralled with their technique, I felt if I just worked on my fitness a little I'd beat all those suckers to the finish line running up with their '1 step at a time' technique. Skipping steps soon bled into other area's of life like school. In art and math you have to show how you got to the end result. Stuff that! "Look Teach. I was here, now I'm there and I'm right so that's all you need to know". (Hot tip: don't call your teacher 'Teach')
Strangely enough I wasn't always right, no one is always right and without following the right procedure from the beginning you can't see where you went wrong. Skipping steps in the process can set bad habits for out side the classroom. It's only Math and Art, who cares right? But that skipping step mentality meant I never 'just worked on my fitness a little' because I was always looking for a way to skip ahead. As a time deprived society we are always looking for that short cut, leg up, back door or jump of the queue. We must ask ourselves is saving a little extra time worth the consequences and sacrifice of character to do it the right way. By skipping steps we are depriving ourselves of the opportunity to see where we need improvement and subsequently grow as people. For a few extra minutes on the sofa we are missing the opportunity to watch the world go by in all its glory. It's pretty obvious that even Lance Armstrong with his perfect sized cycling legs took the necessary steps in his training to succeed and as a result was also able to enjoy the view of the world on the way to the finish line.

Michael J Fox & ALF make a cute couple.

I once got given a frisbee as a birthday present- Awesome! It was orange- More Awesome. It had vents on the side that made it whistle through the air- Totally Awesome! It had a picture of ALF in the middle- Yep, that just happened! The sweet tone of whistley goodness as it glided on the air was like it was ALF's spaceship coming to crash into our house. He'd definitely would have stayed in my room and we would have stayed up cracking jokes even after we'd been warned to go to sleep or no TV for a week. (Whatever, I'd only watch ALF anyway and that show wouldn't even exist because I'd be living it... gees) I could have made a book on tape for him to listen to while I was at school and on his birthday I would have given him a frisbee with a picture of me in the middle wearing a hawaiian shirt.
Early on my birthday a couple of years later a bike appeared from behind the sleet in my eyes- Woah! It had a tough name- 'Rogue'! It had gears- FIVE of them! It had florescent yellow forks- Yep, get outta my face! Rogue and I cruised the streets with the attitude of a soccer mum in an S.U.V and that meant no school teacher was going to tell us where we could and couldn't park. Basketball courts were blank bitumen canvas's awaiting skids from a never ending rear tyre and my thumbs got stronger from all the gear changes. Rogue was tough. Rogue had attitude. Rogue, got super seeded really quickly.
Like everyone, the 'Back to The Future' movie series made me think about things. Serious things. For a young impressionable mind the idea of going back in time was a new exciting thought process that inspired many a day dream and questions of one self. Being a young whipper snapper at the time of the films release it was the first time I started to ask "what would I have done different?" I wanted to be a passenger with Michael J Fox in the Delorian and jump from decade to decade. It encouraged me to find the frisbee underneath my bed and take it back out for a spin. ALF wasn't the same. He lacked the colour of old and we couldn't seem to connect the way we used to. When soaring the whistle was irritating and I couldn't help but keep looking at the time to see when it was going to be a socially acceptable to leave (I had a new fluro green Casio watch). It pained me to think that ALF and I had grown apart and it could be time to move on. I put the frisbee next to the bike underneath the house- where all old toys go to die. Rogue and I just didn't fit anymore, puberty happened and I had physically grown too big for it. Like the movie 'Toy Story' I like to think my childhood toys and day dreams all hang out together and talk trash over a milkshake.
Growing up and growing apart is part of the process to personal growth and revisiting the past is a necessary task to undertake but must be approached with caution. There's a reason Back to the Future only went for 116 minutes. If they had of filmed more period piece footage you would have realised that the 1950's was filled with a large portion of unidentifiable behaviours. No cable. No iPod's. No deep fried Mars bars. It's important to firstly acknowledge and then ask yourself if it is or not a good idea or time to revisit memories. Some things need to remain in the past.
But, if you do get a chance to go back in time remember not to bump into yourself and say g'day to Michael J Fox and ALF, they spend most of their time sipping the same chocolate milkshake through two straws at the dinner.

Keeping up with Jimmy Jones.

My best friend in kindergartens name was Jimmy. He was the coolest dude you ever met at age 4. The girls swooned over him and he never had a hair out of place. He had these brightly coloured red, yellow and blue zip up shoes that were the bomb and I wanted those shoes so bad I asked my Mum if I could get them (yes fashion conscious at age 4). We'd seen them on 'Cartoon Connection' and they were the 'must have' for the winter. They were amazing. Soft panelled vinyl with the power to illuminate the pavement and complement contemporary 80's style all while making the statement that you were part of the new 'cool'. The first day I went to put them on (actually it was my mum that was putting them on) the zipper broke! Can you believe it? My grand entrance into the 'show and tell' circle- gone! Who can I blame? The manufacturer, the quality control agent at the plant, the distributor- of course not I was 4 and had no idea how business worked so I cried. I cried as my dreams disappeared.
Later that year I had a play date with Jimmy at his house. Sure we were only 4 but, we were the biggest Mad Dogs and it was anyone's guess what crazy shit we would get up to so naturally we had to be supervised. Being mini we escaped the watchful grown up guard and went into the workshop of Jimmy's Dad. He was a potter and you couldn't take a step without potentially breaking something. Jimmy had a toy of some sort confiscated earlier and we ventured in to claim it back- no one was going to tell Jimmy what he could and couldn't play with (told you we were mad dogs). I thought it was a bad idea but I saw what Jimmy had and I wanted it too. The sweet fashion sense, the cool hair, the admiration of girls, (I know we were 4 but I seriously think its around that time when I peaked with the opposite sex) It had to be mine and this was the way to get it. We climbed up on the bench, scaled some shelves breaking shit left, right and centre to reclaim his toy. For some reason the sound of breaking ceramic pots caused alarm and we were busted. I explained to Mum on the way home that it was Jimmy's idea which was subsequently met with the character building question of "If Jimmy told you to jump off a cliff would you do it?" (Mum's- always have an answer within in a question for everything)
Envy and jealousy are cute when you're 4 years old but it can have serious ramifications when you're a grown up and the consequences of it come in varying forms. Those shoes represented a lot more than a fashion accessory and I wanted them so bad it hurt but when I finally got them they weren't everything I thought they'd be and couldn't accept it wasn't meant to be. What ever the motivations are that ignite your envy or jealousy it pays to recognise that we were not meant to have everything. Maybe if the 10th commandment had read "Thou shall not covet thy neighbours house nor Reebok pumps" modern society would have been able to understand what it meant and incorporate into to everyday practice a little better. Fast forward a few thousand years and you have another character telling you "Greed is Good"- best go with your gut on that one I think. My mum's 'jumping off a cliff' question got repeated a bit when I was growing up. As a budding fashionista and a pretty solid social life until the age of 6 it certainly had its place as a potential catch phrase but you have to wonder are external influences providing too much for parents to battle? are the societal and commercial pressures influencing youth of today too much for a young mind to comprehend and process an outcome right for them? are the avenues in which such influences are accessing these minds being overused and exploited?
So next time you're getting a little jelly of the kid next door ask yourself why, how you came to this point and scream at the top of your lungs: "Stick it up your arse Jimmy Jones, I'm not jumping off the bloody cliff!"