How good are 6th birthday parties? Meh! How good are 6th birthday parties when you're 6?! abazmyin.... amazbyn.... Amazing! Heck yeah they are. Games, dancing shoes, party boots, cake and candy. All the candy in the world. We were too young to figure out just what the chemical properties of candy is that makes it so good, in fact we were to young to know what chemical properties were but, we just knew that artificially flavoured clumps of sugar got us high. Not even spinning around in circles compared to the rush of a good 'push pop'. We liked it, we wanted it and when that wasn't enough- we wanted more of it.
I can't remember whose birthday it was but this was by far the 'party of the year'. Jimmy Jones and I were sitting next to each other for Pass the parcel and it seemed to go forever with hidden surprises almost every few layers- pretty awesome. Sitting crossed legged on the floor a table towered over us. This was no ordinary table, sure it had four legs and a top but it's what it held that made it extraordinary. Resting on top was bowl after bowl of sweet sweet candy. Snakes, freckles, frogs, raspberry's, pineapple's and mini twix bar's illuminated the room. Since the game was going so long and all the prizes were going to the girls (typical) Jimmy got up and fetched himself a good portion of candy. Naturally I followed suit but got a little more as I didn't want to miss out. We ate, we laughed, we tried to talk with our fake candy teeth. We finished and Jimmy went back for more and this time he cleaned up, two palms full of sugary goodness that seemed too big to carry. Again worried that I'd miss out I hurried thinking "I'll show him" and ensured I got my fair share. Sausage rolls had to wait that day because unless pastry was made of pure sugar- it wasn't passing my fake candy teeth. I wanted that candy but I didn't need it. Jimmy certainly didn't need the amount he had either. I knew I didn't need it, I didn't even want it but greed driven by jealousy took over and Jimmy and I ate candy until we threw up. I should have told him to stop going back for more.
Greed is the prodigal son of Materialism and was 'that kid' who could do no wrong in their parent's eyes. For generations Greed has looked like a golden child in Mr. Capitalism's classroom but when the bell rang he walked straight up to Common Sense in the playground and kicks him in the shins while the rest of us stood there, did nothing and were surprised that he got away with it. Take the occupy wall streeters for example, take any protesters, anywhere on economic change. Congratulations for growing a set and speaking up but your placards are no use outside Mr. Capitalism's office. But, little did we know or care to recognise that Mr. Capitalism is in fact Greed's uncle and pretty slogan's on pretty placards won't divide family.
The placard's are in the wrong place. They need to be taken to where the problem began- our own place. They should be in our front yards. Facing inward. They should be in our neighbours yard. Facing inward. It's only us that can transform inherent destructive nature of greed and we have a social responsibility to change it. There's no point to lining your back fence with used placards so the dog won't get out if your just going to keep letting the side gate open. Real change comes from shifts in societal behaviour caused by human movement. The movement for change starts at home, starts next door, starts in the classroom and starts at the birthday party. It's clear that greed can not be fixed nor changed by further greed and time we stopped eating all the candy like innocent children collecting pockets full of sugar that in the long run will just make you sick in the tummy.
Birthday party, classroom, back fence. 1, 2, 3 metaphors- Abazmyin!
Sunday 14 October 2012
Tuesday 2 October 2012
STYP Top Ten Steps to Cure a Bad Work Day
So you had a bad day at work? Well "boo-fucken-hoo". You're a big kid now and you have to deal with your big kid problems like.... a big kid. Here are some sure fire ways to help you keep it together at the office tomorrow.
1. Put on your favourite underwear in the morning- Nothing says smile like your favourite 'tighty whities'! Everyone has a pair, sometimes it's the ones you least expected when buying them. You can't dispute that a comfy pair of boxers, briefs or bloomers around the junk is the best thing that ever happened. In emergency situation's put the underwear in the dryer for 5 minutes beforehand- now we're laughing.
2. Use dated positive slang words in relation to everything- Because they're fucken Radical! The drive to work wasn't fun but you've got to pull your shit together now because you can't put off that meeting with Greg in accounting any longer. Bring back slang from your youth or use it from other generations. "Swell", "Tops", "Ball Tearer", "Radical", "Awesome", "Epic" or "Kick Ass" can all be used to put a smile on your dial. Positive words have positive effects so use them often and you'll feel "Gnarlier" by the second!
3. Finish every sentence with a high note. Combining positive words with a bird like chirp is an attack the Cobra Kai never saw coming. No better way to stop being a sooky bum than having fun with the whining coming out of your mouth. Increase the pitch a little at the end of each sentence and you'll be filled with a youthful enthusiasm for life again.
4. Send a sexually suggestive email from your colleagues computer to another colleague. Better hurry Greg from accounting is in the kitchen making his morning coffee and you don't have much time. Everyone in the office has seen the way he flirts with Brenda in payroll, it's about time they take the next step and luckily the internet is 90% porn so your shouldn't have too much trouble finding content.
5. High 5 yourself after going to the toilet- You're a big kid! Your morning coffee has kicked in and it's time. So what? just because you're an adult doesn't mean you can't celebrate 20 years since you passed potty training. Hold that left arm up high and keep slapping your right palm on it so hard that crispy crispness of a clap echoes down the hallway loud enough to let everyone know you got the job done with no hiccups.
6. Only whine once an hour- It's almost lunch and you're starting to piss everyone off. Pick a mark on the clock and try to schedule your next complaint for around that time each hour. If you feel you might crack, think of how good your underwear felt when you pulled it out of the dryer this morning. Just pace yourself on the whining dude.
7. Stand in front of the mirror in the crane position- Karate Kid was awesome. If you feel as though you're about to tell Greg in accounting to shove his TPS report where the sun don't shine, Take 5 princess. Find a mirror or window and raise those arms up high while standing on one leg and go away to another place. Mr Miyagi was the man and he knows what's best for you.
8. Rejoice in other's misery- Nothing more up lifting than watching someone else in pain. If you're still being a jerk it's probably best to have lunch on your own. Try sitting in view of a stair case so you can watch other's trip on their way up. It's a waiting game but they will come. If you wait for them, they will come.
9. Pick your nose- It's the 3pm slump and you need a pick me up (pun intended). It's always nice after a good pick, the air feels cool as it rushes up your nasal cavity and it's like you're at the snow on holidays. It also comes with the physical benefit of allowing more oxygen to your brain so it really could help your crappy mood with an oxygen high. Forget the index finger- try the pinky! Sure, it'll take little longer but maybe you'll learn something about yourself.
10. Shut the fuck up and get on with it- everyone has a bad day and no one gives a shit!... Especially Greg in accounting and Brenda from payroll thinks you're an asshole all the time.
1. Put on your favourite underwear in the morning- Nothing says smile like your favourite 'tighty whities'! Everyone has a pair, sometimes it's the ones you least expected when buying them. You can't dispute that a comfy pair of boxers, briefs or bloomers around the junk is the best thing that ever happened. In emergency situation's put the underwear in the dryer for 5 minutes beforehand- now we're laughing.
2. Use dated positive slang words in relation to everything- Because they're fucken Radical! The drive to work wasn't fun but you've got to pull your shit together now because you can't put off that meeting with Greg in accounting any longer. Bring back slang from your youth or use it from other generations. "Swell", "Tops", "Ball Tearer", "Radical", "Awesome", "Epic" or "Kick Ass" can all be used to put a smile on your dial. Positive words have positive effects so use them often and you'll feel "Gnarlier" by the second!
3. Finish every sentence with a high note. Combining positive words with a bird like chirp is an attack the Cobra Kai never saw coming. No better way to stop being a sooky bum than having fun with the whining coming out of your mouth. Increase the pitch a little at the end of each sentence and you'll be filled with a youthful enthusiasm for life again.
4. Send a sexually suggestive email from your colleagues computer to another colleague. Better hurry Greg from accounting is in the kitchen making his morning coffee and you don't have much time. Everyone in the office has seen the way he flirts with Brenda in payroll, it's about time they take the next step and luckily the internet is 90% porn so your shouldn't have too much trouble finding content.
5. High 5 yourself after going to the toilet- You're a big kid! Your morning coffee has kicked in and it's time. So what? just because you're an adult doesn't mean you can't celebrate 20 years since you passed potty training. Hold that left arm up high and keep slapping your right palm on it so hard that crispy crispness of a clap echoes down the hallway loud enough to let everyone know you got the job done with no hiccups.
6. Only whine once an hour- It's almost lunch and you're starting to piss everyone off. Pick a mark on the clock and try to schedule your next complaint for around that time each hour. If you feel you might crack, think of how good your underwear felt when you pulled it out of the dryer this morning. Just pace yourself on the whining dude.
7. Stand in front of the mirror in the crane position- Karate Kid was awesome. If you feel as though you're about to tell Greg in accounting to shove his TPS report where the sun don't shine, Take 5 princess. Find a mirror or window and raise those arms up high while standing on one leg and go away to another place. Mr Miyagi was the man and he knows what's best for you.
8. Rejoice in other's misery- Nothing more up lifting than watching someone else in pain. If you're still being a jerk it's probably best to have lunch on your own. Try sitting in view of a stair case so you can watch other's trip on their way up. It's a waiting game but they will come. If you wait for them, they will come.
9. Pick your nose- It's the 3pm slump and you need a pick me up (pun intended). It's always nice after a good pick, the air feels cool as it rushes up your nasal cavity and it's like you're at the snow on holidays. It also comes with the physical benefit of allowing more oxygen to your brain so it really could help your crappy mood with an oxygen high. Forget the index finger- try the pinky! Sure, it'll take little longer but maybe you'll learn something about yourself.
10. Shut the fuck up and get on with it- everyone has a bad day and no one gives a shit!... Especially Greg in accounting and Brenda from payroll thinks you're an asshole all the time.
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