I can't write moral lessons all the time, it's immoral. Since every culture has one and every language has a word for one and I was recently asked to describe what a 'bloke' was, here I go. I didn't really know how to respond. It's an Aussie thing sure but how do you describe a cultural icon? What exactly made a bloke, a bloke? So after a lot of free time, head and moustache scratching this is what I've come up with.
It's hard to describe a human that has no physical characteristic's. I bloke could be any one at any time, you could have a bloke next to you right now. First and foremost a bloke is male. The age of a bloke must be that of 30-35+, this can only be determined by older blokes voicing the term "he's a good young bloke", usually spoken about professional sportsman who by nature usually retire within that bracket. This statement alone suggests that being a bloke is not something that you can achieve in your early years nor be rewarded with, it's a title you have to earn. Self proclamation would only result in prolonging the process of 'blokery'.*
So what are the defining behavioural patterns of this social anomaly? To best describe this guy we have to contextualise and what better way than by using a social setting that every one can identify with.... the pub!
When meeting other blokes and their partners down the tavern for a few beers, dinner and a chin wag a bloke always turns up 5-10 minutes late, its not a fashion or attention seeking thing- he has a genuine excuse, like he got caught up putting away the BBQ from the footy club fundraiser. Upon entry he always says hello first, deliver's good handshakes and kiss's on the cheeks. From there he 'bloke's up'** and heads to the bar to ensure he gets a beer in that hand straight away (just in case there is dancing later) and makes sure his lady friend has a 'chardy' or 'shandy'- chivalry is not dead to a bloke. As is custom, the bloke and his partner go their separate ways. Bloke's with bloke's, girl's with the girl's- it's been that way from the beginning of time. Adam was the first one to break that tradition when he stayed with Eve (therefore Adam can not be a bloke).
When 'bloking out'*** and conversing a bloke always offer's support to a friend by firstly insulting them and then telling them they are "alright", mostly because it's important to maintain a sense of confidence and respect from other bloke's. This respect is what navigate's a bloke through his friendships. There are a lot of thing's you can do to become one but there are more things you can do to lose the title, so here are a few simple guidelines to live by if you are striving to become a bloke:
A bloke does not wear Crocs.
A bloke does not secretly order himself a light beer in a round.
A bloke does not agree to watching a 'chick flick' unless he has negotiated a better deal for himself.
A bloke does not know what 'dad jokes' are- they're just jokes.
A bloke does not ask for directions.
A bloke does not go into the cubicle to pee.
A bloke tries to have a little bit of everything on his fork at the same time while eating.
A bloke boast's to other bloke's about how 'hung over' he was.
A bloke know's how to give a good handshake.
A bloke will always pronounced his statements while seeking approval eg: "Gee's, it's cold isn't it?"
A bloke always wants socks and undies for christmas.
A bloke helps a bloke move.
Key:
*Blokery: the past tense of becoming or art of being a bloke.
**Bloke up: the initial procedure to getting shit done.
***Bloking out: spending time with other bloke's.
So if you love him or hate him the bloke is already part of your life. Feel free to add your thoughts or experiences of this faceless man below.
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