Yeah sure, I've been called one. Have you? If you think you haven't, it probably means you are one. What makes a good ass hole? What makes a bad ass hole? Tone affliction for one will tell you if you're being complimented or called out. It's said that opinions are like ass holes- everybody has one. I can't help but feel that ass holes are like opinions- full of hot air.
There's many types of ass holes, they cut you off in traffic, they talk on their cell phone at the shopping counter and they call the home phone while your favourite 'Cheers' re-run is on (that Woody guy- what a character!). They can come from anywhere like a rogue hair on your arm or a dog poop in the middle of a football oval and they will most certainly put your knickers in a knot. But, why? Why do they sneak up on us at the most inconvenient of times and how can we learn to recognise the good from the bad?
Let's have a look at the good ass holes first. They're the ones that win two meat tray's in the same raffle, they accidentally put $100 on the greyhounds instead of the gallops for it to pay $12.10 and they once got a free round from that bar tender that never gives a free shout to anyone... anyone. Good ass holes are loveable because they didn't mean it and fingers crossed it could be you one day. Walking back to the table with your tray of snags and scotch fillets you will no doubt here a laugh followed by the words "look at this ass hole". That's good right?! Of course it's good. Any time a laugh, giggle or shake of the head with a smile precedes those words you are automatically an ass hole of the good order. Let's face it- you would be more than happy to be called an ass hole for a good win on the dish lickers- you could buy that 'Cheers' box set you've had your eye on for a while now.
Now to the real ass holes. The ones we love to hate. The ones that can take your blood to a boil in a blink of an eye. I've just about had enough of these ass holes. They talked during the movie so we missed the start and they came and stood right in front of us at the gig last week. Unlike the good ass holes, bad ones are often not told. Wait a minute, that doesn't even make sense! Norm would fall off his bar stool if he knew these ass holes were getting away with it! How are they still allowed to get away with it? At what point in time did we become so polite to not tell someone they are being an ass hole but we deemed it socially acceptable to park in handicapped spaces?
Let's make a pact, we need a united front if this epidemic is to be tended to. Going forward from today we need to make examples of those who cut in line and take the last pie at the bakery or don't say 'thanks mate' for keeping the door open when exiting. Let's devise a plan or a signal to make others aware of an ass holes presence. "Excuse me everybody, we've got an ass hole here" may be too obvious but if we can't think of anything soon it will have to do. Let's all put our thinking caps on while watching 'Cheers' this week and come up with a plan, we'll call ourselves the 'Ass hole Strategy Society' (ASS). Meeting adjourned.
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